Do you ever go through life thinking "Well, it can't get any worse than this" and then shit gets awesome. Then that awesomeness last for about 2 months, and then it really goes to shit. Welcome to my life. My life seems to be a constant cycle of bad, wonderful, terrible, rinse, wash, repeat. Some professionals may try to point at something called bipolar disorder, but that would mean all this shit is my fault. I think we can all agree that I am the victim not the cause. I do not really understand why everything has to be so unpleasant, but goddamn it just went from miserable to unbearable.
Love - My entire adult life has been spent loving only one woman. I'm thirty-one years old. That means for 13 years I've given two shits about any female on this planet, no matter how wonderful she may have been towards me, so that when the one woman I loved finally came around I would be available.
Betrayal - Well, let's not make this mean. She did me wrong, and I'll leave it at that.
Heartbreak - Have you ever felt exhausted, but you cannot go to sleep. You are finally able to go to sleep, and then you wake up every other hour because even in your dreams you are tortured by what happened? Has your stomach been twisted and tied up in knots so tight that you feel like vomiting, but it's sealed off like a bank vault so you have that pre-dry heave feeling? This is what I know love to be because this is heartbreak, and for me love always ends in heartbreak.
Alcoholism - I'm weak. I admit that. I gained 115 pounds after I left the Marine Corps because I had no discipline so what would anyone expect me to do following the most heartbreaking situation I have ever been in. Alcohol and lots of it.
Self Destruction - She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me just one week earlier. You're goddamn right I started drinking. Heavily. I missed out on a few days of work. I couldn't remember how I got home. I just did not give one fuck about anything in life anymore, and I didn't want to feel a thing. With the help of 300 dollars worth of various liquors I was able to go numb. Numb is what I wanted, and numb is what I got. Which, if you've never approached a problem with this type of solution, you don't know what you're missing out on. Amazing parties, karaoke sing alongs, and stand up performances on a level that I haven't had in months. Which brings me to...
Comedy - From pain comes humor, or at least for me it does. Now I haven't written any bits about this situation, and I doubt I will because it just isn't funny to me. I have, however, started on a few new things, and returned to working on a few older bits that needed something extra to make them work. They are hitting quite nicely now. There is something about really needing to feel like you are worth a shit that will put you in a creative/funny mindset.
Recovery - I drank myself to the point of blacking out for the better part of a week. Four days in a row I woke up, wondered to myself how I got home, and then found some sort of alcoholic medication to take away the pain. Then on Monday it was over. I went to work, I met up with my sober friend, and we went to the Underground's Open Mic together. I didn't drink, I got bumped, and I went home and went to bed at a decent hour. Tuesday I did the same thing, only I went back to the gym after a week off, and then I went to Laughs for the open mic. It's almost as if nothing happened.
Am I over it? No. I'll never be over it. Do I wish it would have never happened? This is a tough one. I don't know if I can feel love unless it is for her. Maybe the better question is...Do I wish that I would have never met her? The honest answer is no. Despite all the pain I have gone through, I have also had the most amazing feelings of love and appreciation that I think anyone could ever imagine. Have I learned my lesson, become capable of moving on, and vow never to let this happen again? You're kidding right. It's love. The brain doesn't override the heart, at least not for me so I imagine if she calls me up in 13 years I'll be willing and ready to go. It's not like I'll be in a relationship with anyone else. That would put my future with her at jeopardy.
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