The Joke That Failed

The following is a joke that I wrote about three hours before a show I was going to do in Hilton Head, SC. The events of the joke took place on the way to the club. I had about two hours left in my trip and just started telling the joke to myself over and over and over. I was throwing in movements and pauses and pacing the joke with the laughs that I knew I was going to get. This was the cleanest joke I had written...ever, and I knew it was going to kill. I had such confidence in this joke I was going to perform it that was going to make me a star.
I got to the club about 45 minutes before the show started so I went and wrote the joke out. Below is how I wrote it out. No edits or anything, and I think you will all agree that it deserved much more than just 4 minutes of silence and awkward stares.
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I'm driving out here and I drive through this little town called Fairfax, SC and I see a small fire on the side of the road. So I call 911 on my cell. Which I'm glad it was a small fire and not me being robbed cause the location dtermination when you don't know the area is hooorible. They're asking me for cross streets, if it's near Old Man Smiths Farm...I don't know, from what I can tell it's the corner of smith and wesson. USE MY GPS...Well we're finally able to figure it out and they tell me the fire dept is on the way. So I wait cause I'm still a kid @ heart & I watn to see the fire truck and sirens that's cool. But while I'm waiting these two guys see it and pull over in there chevy taho with the "calvin pissin on a ford emblem" sticker on the back glass & they jump out & start kicking dirt on it. So I'm like "Hey, It's cool. I called the fire dept and they're on the way. Don't burn yourselves. Their response 'we are the fire dept!'...No You're not!!! You're two assholes kicking dirt on a fire. The worst part, I didn't even say how big the fire was when I was on the phone. These guys just jumped in their Taho & were like "We're gonna kick this fires ASS!!!" literally kick it. Imagin these two guys showing up at your burning house after calling 911. Bubba gets out the truck. Spits out some dip. Puts his hand up to you...Stand back Tim. We got this. We're professionals. Then he starts kicking dirt on your house! "What are you doing?" Then Bubba says "We got this Tim. This is how they trained us at the Fairfax Volunteer Fire Dept. I'm no professional fire fighter. In fact this is the extent of my firefighting background. (Light a lighter, blow it out) CRISIS AVERTED!! But I can think of a few ways better than kicking dirt to put out a fire like Oh, I don't know..a Fire Truck and a Water Hose! This is my house. I hope the inusrance check wetn through!! I just put in new cabinets...It's all gone. You know what this is good for fighting (pretend to kick dirt)...an umpires bad call at the plate...Not A Fire!
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I think we can all agree that that was a hell of a story. I had such high hopes for it! I was gonna name my debut CD "Mitchell Burrow - Fighting Fires, Kicking Dirt"...this was gonna be the one to make me famous.

Instead I got 4 minutes of dead silence. I was sweating for 20 minutes after I got off of the stage.

Lessons learned though. I will make that joke work. I think it was a hilarious situation that i found myself in, and I also think that it makes for a great story and I have a chance to be physical and use visual with the audience.

Later Peeps!!
I'll keep writing.

Mitchell