Do you ever go through life thinking "Well, it can't get any worse than this" and then shit gets awesome. Then that awesomeness last for about 2 months, and then it really goes to shit. Welcome to my life. My life seems to be a constant cycle of bad, wonderful, terrible, rinse, wash, repeat. Some professionals may try to point at something called bipolar disorder, but that would mean all this shit is my fault. I think we can all agree that I am the victim not the cause. I do not really understand why everything has to be so unpleasant, but goddamn it just went from miserable to unbearable.
Love - My entire adult life has been spent loving only one woman. I'm thirty-one years old. That means for 13 years I've given two shits about any female on this planet, no matter how wonderful she may have been towards me, so that when the one woman I loved finally came around I would be available.
Betrayal - Well, let's not make this mean. She did me wrong, and I'll leave it at that.
Heartbreak - Have you ever felt exhausted, but you cannot go to sleep. You are finally able to go to sleep, and then you wake up every other hour because even in your dreams you are tortured by what happened? Has your stomach been twisted and tied up in knots so tight that you feel like vomiting, but it's sealed off like a bank vault so you have that pre-dry heave feeling? This is what I know love to be because this is heartbreak, and for me love always ends in heartbreak.
Alcoholism - I'm weak. I admit that. I gained 115 pounds after I left the Marine Corps because I had no discipline so what would anyone expect me to do following the most heartbreaking situation I have ever been in. Alcohol and lots of it.
Self Destruction - She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me just one week earlier. You're goddamn right I started drinking. Heavily. I missed out on a few days of work. I couldn't remember how I got home. I just did not give one fuck about anything in life anymore, and I didn't want to feel a thing. With the help of 300 dollars worth of various liquors I was able to go numb. Numb is what I wanted, and numb is what I got. Which, if you've never approached a problem with this type of solution, you don't know what you're missing out on. Amazing parties, karaoke sing alongs, and stand up performances on a level that I haven't had in months. Which brings me to...
Comedy - From pain comes humor, or at least for me it does. Now I haven't written any bits about this situation, and I doubt I will because it just isn't funny to me. I have, however, started on a few new things, and returned to working on a few older bits that needed something extra to make them work. They are hitting quite nicely now. There is something about really needing to feel like you are worth a shit that will put you in a creative/funny mindset.
Recovery - I drank myself to the point of blacking out for the better part of a week. Four days in a row I woke up, wondered to myself how I got home, and then found some sort of alcoholic medication to take away the pain. Then on Monday it was over. I went to work, I met up with my sober friend, and we went to the Underground's Open Mic together. I didn't drink, I got bumped, and I went home and went to bed at a decent hour. Tuesday I did the same thing, only I went back to the gym after a week off, and then I went to Laughs for the open mic. It's almost as if nothing happened.
Am I over it? No. I'll never be over it. Do I wish it would have never happened? This is a tough one. I don't know if I can feel love unless it is for her. Maybe the better question is...Do I wish that I would have never met her? The honest answer is no. Despite all the pain I have gone through, I have also had the most amazing feelings of love and appreciation that I think anyone could ever imagine. Have I learned my lesson, become capable of moving on, and vow never to let this happen again? You're kidding right. It's love. The brain doesn't override the heart, at least not for me so I imagine if she calls me up in 13 years I'll be willing and ready to go. It's not like I'll be in a relationship with anyone else. That would put my future with her at jeopardy.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Joke That Failed
The following is a joke that I wrote about three hours before a show I was going to do in Hilton Head, SC. The events of the joke took place on the way to the club. I had about two hours left in my trip and just started telling the joke to myself over and over and over. I was throwing in movements and pauses and pacing the joke with the laughs that I knew I was going to get. This was the cleanest joke I had written...ever, and I knew it was going to kill. I had such confidence in this joke I was going to perform it that was going to make me a star.
I got to the club about 45 minutes before the show started so I went and wrote the joke out. Below is how I wrote it out. No edits or anything, and I think you will all agree that it deserved much more than just 4 minutes of silence and awkward stares.
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I'm driving out here and I drive through this little town called Fairfax, SC and I see a small fire on the side of the road. So I call 911 on my cell. Which I'm glad it was a small fire and not me being robbed cause the location dtermination when you don't know the area is hooorible. They're asking me for cross streets, if it's near Old Man Smiths Farm...I don't know, from what I can tell it's the corner of smith and wesson. USE MY GPS...Well we're finally able to figure it out and they tell me the fire dept is on the way. So I wait cause I'm still a kid @ heart & I watn to see the fire truck and sirens that's cool. But while I'm waiting these two guys see it and pull over in there chevy taho with the "calvin pissin on a ford emblem" sticker on the back glass & they jump out & start kicking dirt on it. So I'm like "Hey, It's cool. I called the fire dept and they're on the way. Don't burn yourselves. Their response 'we are the fire dept!'...No You're not!!! You're two assholes kicking dirt on a fire. The worst part, I didn't even say how big the fire was when I was on the phone. These guys just jumped in their Taho & were like "We're gonna kick this fires ASS!!!" literally kick it. Imagin these two guys showing up at your burning house after calling 911. Bubba gets out the truck. Spits out some dip. Puts his hand up to you...Stand back Tim. We got this. We're professionals. Then he starts kicking dirt on your house! "What are you doing?" Then Bubba says "We got this Tim. This is how they trained us at the Fairfax Volunteer Fire Dept. I'm no professional fire fighter. In fact this is the extent of my firefighting background. (Light a lighter, blow it out) CRISIS AVERTED!! But I can think of a few ways better than kicking dirt to put out a fire like Oh, I don't know..a Fire Truck and a Water Hose! This is my house. I hope the inusrance check wetn through!! I just put in new cabinets...It's all gone. You know what this is good for fighting (pretend to kick dirt)...an umpires bad call at the plate...Not A Fire!
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I think we can all agree that that was a hell of a story. I had such high hopes for it! I was gonna name my debut CD "Mitchell Burrow - Fighting Fires, Kicking Dirt"...this was gonna be the one to make me famous.
Instead I got 4 minutes of dead silence. I was sweating for 20 minutes after I got off of the stage.
Lessons learned though. I will make that joke work. I think it was a hilarious situation that i found myself in, and I also think that it makes for a great story and I have a chance to be physical and use visual with the audience.
Later Peeps!!
I'll keep writing.
Mitchell
I got to the club about 45 minutes before the show started so I went and wrote the joke out. Below is how I wrote it out. No edits or anything, and I think you will all agree that it deserved much more than just 4 minutes of silence and awkward stares.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm driving out here and I drive through this little town called Fairfax, SC and I see a small fire on the side of the road. So I call 911 on my cell. Which I'm glad it was a small fire and not me being robbed cause the location dtermination when you don't know the area is hooorible. They're asking me for cross streets, if it's near Old Man Smiths Farm...I don't know, from what I can tell it's the corner of smith and wesson. USE MY GPS...Well we're finally able to figure it out and they tell me the fire dept is on the way. So I wait cause I'm still a kid @ heart & I watn to see the fire truck and sirens that's cool. But while I'm waiting these two guys see it and pull over in there chevy taho with the "calvin pissin on a ford emblem" sticker on the back glass & they jump out & start kicking dirt on it. So I'm like "Hey, It's cool. I called the fire dept and they're on the way. Don't burn yourselves. Their response 'we are the fire dept!'...No You're not!!! You're two assholes kicking dirt on a fire. The worst part, I didn't even say how big the fire was when I was on the phone. These guys just jumped in their Taho & were like "We're gonna kick this fires ASS!!!" literally kick it. Imagin these two guys showing up at your burning house after calling 911. Bubba gets out the truck. Spits out some dip. Puts his hand up to you...Stand back Tim. We got this. We're professionals. Then he starts kicking dirt on your house! "What are you doing?" Then Bubba says "We got this Tim. This is how they trained us at the Fairfax Volunteer Fire Dept. I'm no professional fire fighter. In fact this is the extent of my firefighting background. (Light a lighter, blow it out) CRISIS AVERTED!! But I can think of a few ways better than kicking dirt to put out a fire like Oh, I don't know..a Fire Truck and a Water Hose! This is my house. I hope the inusrance check wetn through!! I just put in new cabinets...It's all gone. You know what this is good for fighting (pretend to kick dirt)...an umpires bad call at the plate...Not A Fire!
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I think we can all agree that that was a hell of a story. I had such high hopes for it! I was gonna name my debut CD "Mitchell Burrow - Fighting Fires, Kicking Dirt"...this was gonna be the one to make me famous.
Instead I got 4 minutes of dead silence. I was sweating for 20 minutes after I got off of the stage.
Lessons learned though. I will make that joke work. I think it was a hilarious situation that i found myself in, and I also think that it makes for a great story and I have a chance to be physical and use visual with the audience.
Later Peeps!!
I'll keep writing.
Mitchell
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